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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23797465">A Secret For Me To Keep</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibiDawn23/pseuds/ChibiDawn23'>ChibiDawn23</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Murdoch Mysteries</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:14:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,441</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23797465</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibiDawn23/pseuds/ChibiDawn23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>SPOILERS for 9x18 "Cometh the Archer." Post episode drabbles. After everything that's happened, our favorite characters all have a secret. Whether they choose to tell it...well now, that's for them to decide.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>William Murdoch/Julia Ogden</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Murdoch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>You did what you had to do.</em>
</p><p>I wake up in a cold sweat, and it takes me a few minutes to remind myself that I'm back at the hotel. My right hand has fallen asleep from being raised above my head during the nightmare, but I can feel my fingers tingling, feel the rawness around my wrist. My heart is pounding in my ears. I sit up slowly in bed, so I don't wake Julia, but I can't stay lying there. I need to move. I need to get away.</p><p>Not from Julia, but from <em>her</em>. From the memories.</p><p>I get my robe and walk to the window. It's calming to see Toronto outside and not trees and snow. The other comfort to me is the sight of my wife, asleep and blissfully unaware of the nightmares that plague me.</p><p>I wonder if Julia would forgive me, if I told her. If she knew what I had to do…what I <em>tried</em> to do to escape. The deception was necessary. The phantom pain in my fingers is proof that it was. Had I not been able to manipulate her…I don't know how the night would have ended. I had to do what I did. The words that I spoke made my stomach churn. Saying her name was like swallowing nails. But I had to play her game.</p><p>"William? William, come back to bed."</p><p>It takes me a moment to recognize that it's my wife saying my name, and a moment to steel my features. "I'm sorry, Julia. I'm coming."</p><p>The deception is necessary, however, I don't know how much longer I can play at <em>my</em> game.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Higgins</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>You don't think it's my fault that he's dead, do you?</em>
</p><p>It is. If I was a better constable. If I wasn't so ambitious. If I hadn't let a little bit of authority go to my head. The Inspector told us to stay at the hotel, to watch the lobby for anything suspicious. To keep an eye on Detective Murdoch, with everything that had happened to him. He needed us.</p><p>But I fell for the ruse. I abandoned my post and took Jackson with me. Leaving Worsely, a good man, to the job of all three of us. The Inspector told me that Worsely had gone upstairs, to try to save the detective. If it had been all three of us, we might have succeeded. Instead, Worsely is gone in the line of duty. A duty I should have been doing myself.</p><p>I wonder…I wonder what George would have done. Would he have seen through the ruse? Would he have left his post? Surely not. George's loyalty is to the detective, to Station House 4. George is a good man, like Worsely was.</p><p>There's commotion near the admitting desk. Doctor Ogden. Dear God, she shouldn't be on her feet! She shouldn't be <em>here</em>.</p><p>But her loyalty is to the Detective.</p><p>Mine is to myself and my own ambition. And when she leave the station, to go after her husband, guilt keeps me in my seat.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Julia Ogden</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Julia, do you know that I'm here?</em>
</p><p>I would cry tears of happiness if my body would let me. You're alive! You're all right! I was scared for you, William. Before I fell unconscious, my only thought was that I hoped you were safe.</p><p>Now it feels as though I'm in a fog. A thick, heavy fog like the one that rolls off the lake in the spring. I can hear you, but I can't find you to tell you so. Your voice…it's like you're far away, calling me from somewhere in the mist, and the fog is so heavy it's weighing me down.</p><p><em>Julia, do you know that I love you</em>?</p><p>You don't even have to ask me that question. The answer will be forever yes. I just wish I could open my mouth and tell you so. I'm so sorry that you're scared, that you have to ask that question. Alive, or dead, or asleep or awake, that answer is always yes.</p><p>
  <em>Julia, the shooter. Did you see the shooter?</em>
</p><p>My thoughts are so clouded. The fog is so thick. I'm trying to push through, to remember. I opened the door, and...they were standing there. Her face…it's familiar, but I can't…God, <em>why</em> can't I see it?! It's right there, right in front of me!</p><p>
  <em>Rest. I love you.</em>
</p><p>But I need to wake up. For you. I can't stand hearing that tone in your voice, the sadness, the guilt, and the worry. I need to tell you it's all right, that I'm all right. You're being ridiculous, and I just need to tell you-</p><p>The fog is lightening up. There's someone…is it you, William? Is it you coming into focus? I have to keep looking, I need to keep going.</p><p>No. No! Oh God. I know who it is. I need to find you, I have to tell you-</p><p>It's <em>her</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Thomas Brackenreid</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>What the detective needs is for us to do our jobs.</em>
</p><p>The scotch went down, but I didn't feel it. Nor did I taste it. It's not doing its job.</p><p>Bloody hell, it's like Station House 4 has lost their collective minds. Two of my constables abandoned their post, left a man behind, a man who was murdered in awful fashion trying to protect one of our own. I need to call Worsely's mother, but I can't bring myself to do it. How do I tell her that a man I was responsible for has been murdered in the line of duty?</p><p>My entire force let Dr. Ogden walk into the station and walk out again without volunteering to go with her. The hell where they thinking? She's not fit to be anywhere on her own, not physically, and sure as hell not mentally. I swear, they're all novices. Bloody Jackson could've manhandled her into a cell and locked the damn door behind her.</p><p>I've lost two good men today. Worsely is in the morgue, and Murdoch…my God. In the hands of a madwoman. I can only imagine the hell he's going through. Crabtree (the one man I've been able to rely on today) and I are on our way, following a lead. Hope we find him in better shape than his wife-and that's another missing person I'll need to hunt down…the hits just keep on coming.</p><p>Days like today I wonder if I've done my job. Trained my men proper to handle this situation. One man down, one abducted, and our ranks are broken. They're looking to me to solve this case. It's up to me to fix this. To make this right.</p><p>I won't lose another man.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. George Crabtree</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>It's been a long day Crabtree. Get some sleep.</em>
</p><p>With all due respect, sir, no. I know I'm disobeying orders again, which I know isn't wise, given everything that's happened this year, but I won't rest until I've found it. I don't know what 'it' is, but it has to be in Dr. Ogden's files. The clue <em>has</em> to be here! The name that will blow the top off this whole mess. I'm having horrible flashbacks to when Gillies kidnapped Detective Murdoch. I know this isn't him, because he's dead. But there must be someone else. Someone who had it out for both the Detective and Dr. Ogden. Damn it, it's <em>here</em>, right in front of my face! Who could it be?</p><p>What would Detective Murdoch do, if he were here? He'd tell me to go home as well, get some rest and come back. Even he did it-when the Inspector told him to. But look where it got him-not that any of this is his fault. T-that's not what I mean. He had every reason to go home and rest, his day has been far worse than mine. No, what I mean is, I would ignore him if he told me to leave, just as I'm ignoring the Inspector. He didn't stop, when I needed him. He's proven to be a wonderful mentor to me in nine years…as well as a great friend.</p><p>Wherever the Detective is, no doubt he's working on an escape, or a plan. No doubt he could get out of this himself, given enough time. But time is something we don't have, I can feel it. Detective's intuition, even though I'm not one. The fact of is is, Detective Murdoch wouldn't quit on me, so I'm not going to quit on him. That's not what friends do. I'm going to find my friend.</p><p>And when we find him, that's when I'll sleep.</p>
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